Winter Ag Olympics

I must admit that the past couple of weeks I have been addicted to watching the Winter Olympics. The events fascinate me, and I find myself drawn into watching sporting events I wouldn’t normally even think about like hockey. Other events like bobsled bring back memories of sledding. I like all the events except for one, figure skating. I am sorry, but I just cannot get into it, but hey, I am a guy.

The one event that really intrigues me is curling. Not because it is exciting because it is about like watching grass grow. No, curling draws my interest because I believe it is the one Olympic sport winter or summer, that I still have a shot at competing in. I am probably not athletic enough even for curling, but I can hold onto a dream.

While bobsledding, hockey, speed skating and all the various events are interesting and require crazy amounts of athletic ability, training and dedication, they do lack real world applications. Sure, I guess cross country skiing might be practical but when was the last time you had to land a ski jump with a twist in your everyday life? Never, that is why I have come up with Olympic sports that origins on the farm.

We could have timed events like baby calf working. Imagine the excited announcers screaming into the microphones as Sven from Sweden is catching and then tagging a day-old calf as its over protective mama makes her way back from the hay feeder. We could have the always exciting sprint to the gate you left open thinking pen of feeder calves wouldn’t see it. There could even be relay races like trying to put up the electric fence before the cows know they are caught.

Other events could take a mixture of speed, agility, strength and smarts like carrying two five-gallon buckets through a pen of hungry sows. I am not sure if that event would be timed or judged on technique or if you would just weigh how much feed is left in the buckets at the end. In any case, it would be fun to watch Olga from Russia compete in the women’s event. If you made them go through a pen of three hogs and one head of cattle would it be a triple sow cow (for those of you not familiar with this, that is a figure skating jump, I think)?

If you wanted something that required skill, style and finesse there could be the pickup small bale loading event where contestants got judged on how many bales they loaded on the back of a flatbed pickup. They would be given style points for load shape and ingenuity. Of course, points would also be dedicated for how many bales fell off by the end of the driveway pocked with pot holes.

One of my favorite winter ag games is the downhill lamb check. Olympians must stay upright while navigating the steep hill down to the lambing barn, at midnight, with as dim flashlight after a half inch of ice. The contest will be timed and those going off course or crashing will be eliminated. It would be kind of like the bobsled and slalom combined with maybe a pirouette or two thrown in.

Other events could include: feed sack stacking, round bale unrolling (core size at the end would matter a great deal), feed throwing and water hose connecting and draining. I would also imagine there would be team events like cow sorting or lamb vaccinations. Although with the team events the networks would probably want a healthy delay, so the cheers of the other teammates could be censored. I would guess we could all tell what is being said no matter what the language during a good cattle sorting.

So, my idea probably isn’t a very good one, but you must admit that the idea of an opening ceremony with a bunch of ag people is intriguing. I also like the idea of the serious, professional sports commentators like Dick Enberg calling calf working or sow feeding. You might hear things like “wow he had a gold medal in his grasp then out of nowhere that Duroc took his knees out.”  Or maybe the former figure skating announcer describing in hushed tones the style points of hurdling a five-wire fence. All of this would be very entertaining, or at least I think so.

I know I can dream but the reality is that curling is still probably my only path to the Olympics at this point in my life. I was all set to start training for the 2022 Winter Games and then an important realization came to me. Curling is not a good idea, I really don’t want my wife knowing that I know how to sweep. Once again, my dreams of a gold medal are dashed.